Blessings, My Constant Companions

Young Black woman with hands completely covering face

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Blessings. They are all around me. And yet, I struggle, with the, miracle of the moment. Yes, there is… a miracle, each & every moment; within each & every breath. But I resist; sometimes reject, the blessing because it requires change. Ouch! Change, that big and scary condition. To accept the blessing, I must let go. Let go of what was and embrace what is; now. That, has been an ongoing challenge for me. As I reflect on my journey; my blessed growth, images of me throughout this lifetime flow through my mind. These images reveal a good-woman. Thank God I can concede to; own, that fact.  I was and am a good-woman; a woman who-(as I allow myself to reflect on her journey)-had an intention of good.  She wanted; I wanted, to do good and to bring good to people as well as situations. That, admission, brings about a most humbling profound sense of gratitude. That, within itself and by itself; me owning my goodness…IS a miracle. Due to some unfortunate errors in judgment on the part of some of the folk entrusted with my care when I was a child I was hurt.  I withstood; and, thank God survived these profoundly injurious events. However, my perception of me; and, my goodness was severely skewed. My perception of me:  “Damaged goods. Never do anything right. Throw away material. People hurt you because you are bad. Something bad is going to happen. Don’t be happy it won’t last.” In addition to this, I began the practice of holding on, with a vise-like grip, to what seemed like everything. When something good happened I was afraid to let it go for fear of “the bad that was going to happen” If, something bad happened, I prolonged the pain by repeatedly re-visiting the hurt. This way of perceiving my life’s journey; life condition, was hidden from view. My granny; Lulundy as I called her, introduced me to prayer and a power greater than myself early on. God and the concept of God was her beginning gift to me. She was my first example of a woman who understood the “blessings; miracles, of the moment.”  I’ll share more about this woman and her miraculous journey in a future blog post. But for now I’ll just say that she knew she was blessed and living a miracle. I share this warm memory of this remarkable woman who displayed love for me my entire life; up to and including this moment. And, it amazes me; absolutely confounds me,  that hurtful life events that happened to me after leaving her care could so profoundly skew my perception of me. But they did. And, the miracle of love; that Agape kind of love that she displayed for me was my catalyst for change. Her unconditional love acted as the lifelong stimulus; held just a breath away from full vision, for my active search for truth. I sense; am part of, an ongoing gradual and gentle awakening to truth. This truth: my beauty; blessings all around me; miracles of the moment; my ability to Be…Safe…within each & every breath; and, of utmost importance, Change is good…hands open, fingers spread wide…I Release what was. In this Position a Space is provided for me to receive and then embrace what is…the Blessing of Now.

 

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